i see now that it makes sense that the people i know who are the most full of themselves are friends with the people i know who work really hard to put up a facade of being confident- the egotistical ones need someone to suck up to them to feed their bullshit, and the ones with no backbone need someone to model their nonexistent personas after. it’s like a big ol food chain of spineless people that i want nothing to do with. maybe i’m just bitter because i’m realizing as i get older that i’m inherently the kind of person that is ALWAYS going to have tension in my life because of what i feel like i need to be doing, ALWAYS struggle between enjoying myself/feeding my soul and “getting my shit done”, because maybe i’m too serious about my work and don’t pay enough attention to my mental health, and maybe those are some of the reasons why i think what very little merit your infinite-vacation lifestyle has  is completely negated by your apparent need to blow yourself up in sepia-tone on cyberspace; you clearly have something to prove, and it’s got nothing to do with who you really are, it’s a thin veneer of fashion and objects and social hierarchy, no matter how much you try to prove it’s the opposite. and it’s really pathetic, because then the little guppies who are sucked into your weird tailstream who you should probably just get a restraining order against at this point - but i know you actually love it - are these brain-damaged idiotic fools just trying to emulate everything you do and failing MISERABLY, and it’s so sad to watch people my own age NOT be figuring themselves out, NOT be trying to work out what they want to be doing with themselves, what matters, what’s real to you and for you in YOUR life because that’s the only one you’re living, but instead just shitting out this weird contrived version of someone else’s fantasy life because somehow that person got the right equation of personality factors and egomaniacal drive to make themselves a beacon of subcultural perfection, and young shapeless floundering people end up lusting after and obsessing over ideas and possibilities they never would have grown to be attracted to, for all the wrong reasons, AND THAT’S HOW REAL SHIT GETS FUCKING COMMODIFIED! BECAUSE OF YOU! you don’t know what it feels like when something dear to you is warped and devalued and multiplied, devoid of its prior meaning, because you never fucking cared about it. because you didn’t fucking figure it out for yourself, you didn’t put any thought into it. because you never went deep into your own head to figure out what you love and would defend, and what you stand against no matter what. because to you this shit is a fucking trend.